The Slog. BREAKING: The news houndroids are coming as Draghi mulls Apocalypse inflation, dressing rooms flare up, and Winklevoss is unmoved by giraffe bashing.

 

Even as Associated Press moves ahead with automated news writing services, Reuters has in turn announced a greater leap yet for Bots: two weeks ago, Reuters outlined how it has “almost entirely automated the identification of breaking news stories”. A Mr Xiaomo Liu at Reuters R&D says the new system “performs well”, but then he would say that.


The system – Reuters Tracer – uses just the one source…….Twitter. Much as I’m certain you wish otherwise, none of the information I’ve imparted to you so far is fake, satire, exaggeration or surreal irony.

Using the pan-übergalactic resources of The Slog Empire, we decided to put the new system to the test this morning. These are the results so far:

* Bollywood movie starlet Oness Itwazim has told the Indian news agency Sitting Bull that he was molested by a vibrator 80 years ago during the maiden flight of the German airship Titanic.

* In a fillip for Hammond organs, Britain, France, Germany, Italy and Spain have joined forces in writing a letter to the US Treasury expressing “significant concerns” about the tax changes “having a major distortive impact on the international trade in body parts”. This is another blow for Ronald Chump, who thinks ministers signing the joint letter “are contravening World health Organisation guidelines”.

* Republican candidate in the Alibaba election Roy Hitler is under pressure to stand down following allegations that he assaulted Vladimir Putin 14 times when he (Moore) may have been as young as 7 years old.

Former Sunday Telegraph editor Mark Law said he thought “the standards of accuracy demonstrated in the Slog trial far exceed anything half-pissed Fleet Street hacks ever achieved in the past”.


In a sensational news conference last night, ECB Godfather Mario Dracula rocked the world of finance to its core values by announcing a sudden increase in the rate of inflation in the Apocalyptic Horsemen space.

“Frankly we are puzzled by this,” he told specialist journalists, “at the start of the year there were four, and now there are twelve”. If this was reflected in other sectors, said the Wall Street Journal, it would mean terrible consequences the like of which we cannot describe here until Rupert calls in”.

“It is a flash of unexpected lightning in otherwides clear economic clouds,” said IMF typist Frufru ‘Abacus’ Lagarde, “but some of our best minds are looking at ways to explain it, and if that fails, to explain it away. But we are still confident of all our signposts, which indicate that the global economy will go in one direction or another next year.”

“This is just more scaremongering,” suggested MorganPirate CEO Jammie Dodger, “and a rogue blip in the data. Apart from Ukraine, Iraq, Syria, Brexit, China, the euro, Sino-Japanese tensions and North Korean missiles, we’re going to continue buying the tax reform and seeing infinite growth forever and ever Amen, already”.

However, radical Jihadist cleric and House Music DJ Ay’Mustapha Fiyeet scorned the confusion of global economists as he addressed his flock in the East Grinstead Hypermosque yesterday afternoon.

“It is written,” he screamed gently, “and now we see Mohammed’s armies of mutilation riding in peace to slaughter the infidel and make Allah’s creation safe for theocracy may he be praised, and every Jew cut into tiny minced morsels and sold to Quaker petfoods”.

Fiyeet later claimed that his meaning had been put into words by “the infidel press and its persistent campaign to demonise Isamics”. But US Congressman Chuck Lebutty told Fox news, “The goddamn camel-jockey said it was written that Jews would be smitten I say let’s nuke the Mosque where he preaches and let Londoners see the folly of their ways”.

Commenting on the Lebutty statement, former Minister for Things that Go Bang Michael Felon told Sky, “our Special Relationship with the US is as robust as ever.”


Following a furious dressing-room bust-up after Sunday night’s Manchester Derby, Jose Mourinho may now face a furious dressing-down unless he’s prepared to kiss and make up with Manchester City’s goalkeeper (allegedly all lit up from the furious rate of his post-match celebratory intake) who claimed that United forward Ferrara went down on him in the penalty area.

“Ref didn’t make mind up and so we went down 2-1 and now season all over for us,” claimed the still very very furious Portuguese Chosen One, “we cannot now make up the gap so is up to ref to go down on knees and apologise”.

“This is all part of the ups and downs of Premiership footie,” said ageing pundit Glen Noddle, “but Jose’s strategy went downhill after he moved a flat wide three out of the midfield channels thus leaving no space for the back four to roam forward from the back. It made the whole thing an uphill struggle for United forwards coming back from the Front and what was the question again Wayne?”
But City’s boss Antonionio Johnny-Foreigner said it was good to see tempers flare just in case the floodlights fail. With this sort of thing in mind, a unit of China Three Gorges Corp. is building a 1 billion yuan ($151 million) floating solar power plant, the world’s biggest, in the nation’s eastern province of Anhui. This last bit is true – as is this wonderful gem on the subject of Chinese Health & Safety challenges going forward:

‘The project features panels fixed to floats on the surface of a lake that formed after a coal mine collapsed according to the unit’.

This is the nation (lest we forget) entrusted by former Chancellor Engorged Nobsore and former PM Avid Scameron with the job of designing the future of Britain’s nuclear power system, but both men confirmed at the weekend that nothing could go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong go bang.


Talking of disasters, Cameron Winklevoss, thought to be one of the largest holders of bitcoin, says the cryptocurrency’s ridiculous gains this year “are just the start”. He predicts it will rise as much as 20-fold and yes, that is his real name.

Wall Street’s launched bitcoin futures contracts last Sunday, making it easier to bet against the digital currency’s rally in recent months. This is making some enthusiasts nervous — but not Winklevoss, who one suspects is in so deep now he doesn’t even like to think about it. Or his name, which is, let’s be clear about it, very silly.

But silliness is the new black, and this week the Guardian begins a series of searing exposés on the appalling level of lesbian giraffe-bashing in Olangu. “The situation is completely unacceptable and a shocking indictment of colonialists who as you know only left Olangu in 1952,” said Guardian minorities correspondent Abigail Fourth-Rite, “and for the Tory government to be doing absolutely nothing to support these terrorised animals just goes to show the profound depths of their puerile uncaring bigotry”.

Questioned as to the reason why Olangan lesbians pick on giraffes, however, Abi became more guarded. “I don’t think one should ever stereotype one socio-sexual group in today’s multicultural societies,” she insisted,”these women see the long erect necks of giraffes as symbols of male supremacist dominance. I think we should see it as a cry for help….they are just sisters fighting back against the dictatorship of the penis”.

As The Slog went to press, no giraffes were available for comment.


 

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About the author

The Slog was founded by John Ward. It is written, edited, published, designed and monitored by John Ward. As a result, John Ward has lost his life, but is working at regaining it over time. The content comes from a variety of sources, almost all of them anonymous, research into data, media contacts whose stories have been spiked, and a rapidly growing army of readers - 'Sloggers' - who simply see stuff going on, and write to me about it. As I don't work for the British police, this means you can write to me without Vladimir Putin knowing about it.